* A Million Day Dreams *

I don't smile anymore

2006-03-26T00:37:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time you were the one thing that kept me smiling...
the sort of smile that could evoke blushes of pink on my cheeks...
but its gone now... I don't smile anymore.
Why do your actions differ from the words that spills from your lips?
Why can't you just say what you really feel and leave me alone?
I sometimes wish that you could feel how
So that you would understand.
Regardless of the contempt I feel towards you...
The fool that I am still loves you.

Three Words

2006-01-17T01:03:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since I wrote...
So many things to say
So many things I feel
So many pains and smiles
but there are just three words to express them all
I miss you.

Right here

2005-11-02T22:24:00.000+08:00

Right here
Right now
as I sit infront of this screen
I know that I am losing you.
Right here
Right now
Slowly but surely
I am putting you away
and closing the part where you belong.
Right here
Right now
I dread the day when
I look at you and I feel nothing
and I walk away with
and empty echoing heart
and a broken smile on my face...

Beautiful...

2005-10-30T02:36:00.000+08:00

Thanks for calling me today.
For calling me Beautiful and
For saying that I was special to you...
I loved you then
but I think you knew that already
I think you knew that all along...
but if you didn't...
I do.
I do love you.

Worthless...

2005-10-27T11:47:00.000+08:00

After much thinking
about how much I mean to you...
After hours of thinking
if you were worth it...
After pouring my heart to you
and having you just keep mute...
I finally know how worthless
I am to you
And for that I will always hurt.

I wept...

2005-10-21T17:44:00.000+08:00

I had a dream of you...
You reached out your hand towards me
and I took it.
We danced,
We swayed...
You held me close
I wept...
and then I let you go
for you don't belong to me anymore.

You don't want me anymore.

2005-10-19T14:35:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought that we were alright,
That perhaps we could pick up where we left off...
You turn away again
And I am left alone
Embaressed at myself for having needed you so much.
My heart broke a little when you walked away
But it was already broken
and was never fully mended you see...
So forgetting you again and putting you away
Seems so much easier to do today.

Yet I don't want to keep you in that wooden scented box.
I want to congratulate you on your joys
and your happiness,
I want to be in your life once more...
But the emptiness of the screen
Said it all...
You don't want me anymore.

I don't undersrtand...

2005-10-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

I try to help you and you push me away...
I am telling you things that you dont' want to hear...
but WHY don't you listen?
WHY don't you want to hear what I have to say?
All I want is for you to be happy, to be safe, to have rainbows everyday without the need for rain...
but you push me away
and you tell me I don't know anything
that I don't understand...
and your sarcasm drips like thick honey
and you mock me with your words...
YEAH...
perhaps you are right...
I don't know anything.
Spineless, clueless me with her head in the clouds
and a heart too big for her own body.

I am moving away...

2005-10-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

Once again we are at a crossroad.
Neither one wanting to make the first move...
Afriad I think to give up something which is profoundly our own.
Pride too steps in the way at times...
...and I think that though sometimes as we walk together, our steps moving in sync
we only move further apart over time...
... and I begin to pine over you
... and I begin to miss you
... and I promise in my heart that I will put my pride aside just to be with you...
BUT...
That moment just lasts for awhile...
I need to be "me", can't you see that?
I can't pretend.
Why can't things be easier?
Why can't you just stick to promises that you made?
What happened to our "forever"?

I think though sadly that I am moving away from you.
Ever so slowly...
I am moving away...
... and I don't think you can catch up with me.

Slipping Away

2005-10-03T01:49:00.000+08:00

I feel you slipping away again...
I feel myself sliding back into that zone.
That zone where no one is allowed to go.
The place where I can wallow in my self pity, my memories,
torn hopes, forgotten moments and broken dreams.
I want to emerge again into the spring sunshine...
But its hard... it gets harder everytime...
And as the seconds tick by - slowly at times and
far too quickly on other days,
You slip further away from me...
And sometimes I wonder ---
I wonder if you are a figment of my imagination
or some dream I dreamt on one stormy night.
I miss you...
You should know that by now...

Torn at the seams...

2005-09-12T05:26:00.000+08:00

I was once torn
and you came and mended me
and made me feel whole again

and now...

You the healer
The mender
The one that spun me dreams
The one that gave me hope
The one that made me smile...

You turned away from me
The silence weighed me down
And
You tore me at the seams

but...

Although torn
I can stand alone
I can stand erect
and
I can certianly mend myself again.

Somtimes...

2005-09-08T20:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I think unintentionally you break my heart

and I hate you for that…

but then all you need to do is smile at me

and I forget

and my thoughts and heart are yours once more.

Still waiting...

2005-08-12T02:42:00.000+08:00

He says to her that he would be late
but he asks her to wait for him...
and
she does.

She crosses her legs and waits...
and waits...
and waits...
and waits...
and

He does not come...
The mobile phone does not utter its sweet melody,
The landline is silent without it shrill beeps,
There are no SMS's either,
No messages on MSN or ICQ,
No emails in her inbox...
and

still she sits there...
wating...
for a boy who said he would change her world,
for a boy who said it was all worth it,
for a boy with that 'special smile'...

she still sits there
waiting...
and waiting...
and waiting...

I wish...

2005-08-02T01:38:00.000+08:00

There are so many things that I wish for that at times the wishes seem to contradict and overlap one another.

-//- Take for example:

At one point in time I wish that I was lying on my death bed and that you were there feeling sorry for the way that you treated me. Afew moments later and I wish that I will be alive long enough to see my children's children and to see every little nook and cranny of the world that I long for. I want to live each moment as if it were the very last savouring every breath of fresh air and scent, relishing the touch of your skin and the joys that come when I do the things that I love like painting... I also want to put and end to my life sometimes... thats when the crippling pain comes and it shrivels my heart. The pain is the unnameable sort, the kind that can't be defined. Its like your heart is being crushed and mangled all at the same time... Yes... I wish to live and yet I wish to die...

Then there are the times when I want to hold you and never let you go. I want to keep you so close to me that we can never part. When we breathe, it has to be the same air, our thoughts - the same, or heartbeats... beating in rythm. I feel you mould into me and I into you and wish that we will never be apart. I feel your hand in mine and I never want to let go. I feel your touch and I feel alive. I can see you and me and a forever... Yet there are times... when I want to run away from you. There are times when I wish I had never met you. I wish that I forget the pain that I associate with you at times. When you hold me I feel suffocated I can't breathe, when you hold my hand I feel its like I am being chained. When you come close to me I feel repulsed and I want to run so very far away from you.

Sometimes I wish you could feel this pain and love, this anguish and hate, this hope and this faith, this joy and this sadness that I feel. These are the very feelings that tear me a part and plague me every single moment. Maybe you will understand if you were in my shoes... maybe you will care if you could touch my heart and know my thoughts. But you can't, and so you judge me with your beady eyes and sharp careless tongues.

I wish...
I wish things could be simpler. I wish I knew the right paths in life to take. I wish that things need not be so complicated and that life could be more clear cut, more sure. I wish that you could love me back with that kind of pure love one finds in fairy tales. I wish you would not rob me of my dreams and my hopes leaving them in tatters. I wish you would build me up and not smash me down. I wish that I myself will find the hope and the faith to carry on...
I wish all these things...

Torn...

2005-06-19T19:08:00.000+08:00

I am torn between wanting you, and keeping you and releasing you. To let you go as I would a caged bird, tired of its wired boundaries. I want to return to the innocence I once knew, that sweet innocence... but all thats left of that innocence is just ashes and cinders and I, the disillusioned Cinderella sit here in the dust and dirt and long for that simplicity of days gone by. And my head and in my heart, they flutter like streamers in the whipping breeze...

Colours...

2005-04-20T15:29:00.000+08:00

Green is the fresh grass in the morn
His every gaze is filled with scorn
Blue the colour of wide open skies
His lips spew endless lies
Yellow reminds me of the fiery sun
You are trapped there is no where to run
Purple irises that come in bunches
Duck, you might get smacked with his punches
Fresh blood reminds me of the colour Red
Its too late now, he killed you, you are dead
Lots and lots of Pink like clouds of candy floss
Could have helped you, now you are a lost cause

Why do you?

2005-04-10T03:29:00.000+08:00

Why do you insist on hurting me with the things you say and the lies you spurn?
Why do you tell me all those sweet nothings and then take them all away?
Why do you take my fragile soul and break it?
Why do you smash my heart into a million pieces which can never be mended?
Why do you make my mind bleed?
Why do you instill within me hate and anger?
Why do you want me to be submissive and surrender?
Why do you wish to break my spirit that longs to run free?
Why do you hold me under the water drowning me?
Why do you cut my wings and refuse to let me soar?
Why do you not let me breakaway from you?
Why do you kill me with the things that you say?
Why do you keep the light which shows me the right path away from me?
Why do you stop me from dancing and flying away?
Why do you hide the rainbows from me?
Why do you push me to the deep end of the ocean knowing that I cannot swim?
Why do you make it so hard for me to say goodbye?

~ The Words of a Lover ~

2005-04-09T20:23:00.000+08:00

The words of a Lover
Can be as soothing and calming
Like a cup of hot tea on a cold blistery day.
It can be as tender as a petal
Or as loving as a tender caress.
A drop of water in a parched land.

Yet the words of a Lover
Can be like a sting of a bee,
A sharp slap on your face,
A roar and growl of savage beast,
A piercing of a nail into the palm of your hand,
Or a prick of a spindle.

Thus are the words of a Lover
That can build you up
And then tear you down.
The words that can fill your heart
The words that can also make you drown.

* I day dreamed that your only words to me were words with nice and heartfelt, words that would not make my heart bleed.

Those Questions...

2005-04-01T14:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes for no apparent reason, I start thinking about the "Whys", the "What ifs", the "Could haves" and the "Should haves". Today is one of those times... So I sit here and ponder about all these things in my mind like...

What if I didn't pick up your call or reply your message? Would things be any different? Would I still have thoughts of your plaguing my memory making my heart beat faster and faster like a tribal drum? I heard your heartbeat the other day and I was just thinking to myself... I never took the time to listen to it... why now? And you held me so tenderly, you never took the time to do that... why now? I thought things would change with both you and I but they are the same... both of us dancing to this strange game of needing and wanting yet denying it all when we come to face to face to each other in the real world but behind the 3 walls and the 4th wall of windows, the mask falls and we are each others for awhile... just awhile.

What if I dropped out of college what would my parents say? Would I regret it..? Probably so since I am so determined to go through with this double degree and actually get good grades. But why do I feel so disheartened and unmotivated when I look at the moutain of books and why can't I study or concentrate? Could I have done something so that I wouldn't be feeling like this? Should I have just not pursued my degree and gone out and worked? Or have I made the right choice by being here, doing this?

Why do somedays feel longer than the others? Why do I feel like my life is sometimes like a well-oiled machine and at other times it is a disjointed creation, an ill fitted jigsaw puzzle with pieces that dont' quite fit? Was it something I said or didn't say? Was it something I did or did not do? What am I missing?

When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see me as how I see myself? Actually how do I see myself? Am I loved with the same intensity as I love you? Have you lied to me and protected me from your lies so that I don't get my fragile little life spoilt and torn with the sharp shreds of those sickening lies? Well I am sorry but if you didn't already know, I am protecting you too... you don't look fragile but I know you are, I doubt you can handle the secrets that lies within me. Thats just life I guess, everyone unaware of the darkness in the other and the secrets behing locked doors...

See how warped I sound? But then its just one of those days when I think about things too much and I start remembering the little things that people said and did for me. "Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen is playing. This reminds me of a couple of things. Dancing with me arms around you, each of us clinging on to each other as if we could die. I remember you, the one who told me I reminded you of Renee in the movie... and then there was you who said that I completed your life.

Will you call me tonight? Will you hold me tight? Will you say the things to make everything alright?

I think I have wondered for far too long, but I can't help it...
Northen Lights by Lux plays and I think of the nights we stared at those endless stars in the satin midnight blue sky counting and wishing on the stars that twinkled and sparkled like the proverbial diamonds...

* I day dreamed that you were by my side holding me while we looked on at the huge expanse of sky and you kissed all my worries and thoughts away, you said you loved me for all that I was and will ever be and you whispered that I was yours forever... and you knew how long forever was.

~ A hand to hold ~

2005-03-29T01:54:00.000+08:00

I need a hand to hold...
I feel strangely alone at the moment.
I know though that there are others out there who are really alone. Who have no one with them. Then there is the recent earthquake that just happened awhile ago... and I thank God and say my silent prayers that my loved ones and I are alright and well.

What an interesting Melancholic way to start my blog...
I am not sure why I started it in the first place, but I am glad that I did.

I need a hand to hold...
I hope tomorrow finds me happy and optimistic again.

* I day dreamed that I was looking at a beautiful sunset with the person of my dreams holding me tight and I was at peace knowing that I was loved and cared for.